Monday, December 05, 2005

Pouring My Heart Out

Pouring My Heart Out

I admit that I have been somewhat reluctant about talking about the problems I have in my own life dealing with my multiple personality disorder, PTSD, and physical problems. Well, I’ve had a pretty bad week so decided it was time for me to come down from my little preaching hill and say what happens in the foxholes even after so many years of treatment. I thought I had my MPD pretty much under control, in a cooperative integration of sorts. I was fairly stable and only had mild and infrequent “alter” activity during times of deep stress. Well, I can honestly say that the last 4 years of my life have been just stock full of stress. I’ve had a few very close friends die, my biological dad die, my family almost fell apart over his will, his wife’s death exactly one year and approx 2 days later. My mom had some very serious operations and illnesses and then had to move into a nursing home. Separation and divorce from my spouse of 16 years that came as a surprise (to me) after 11 years of isolation from being house bound by illness. It took 3 years to complete our divorce due to my ex’s discover of terminal cancer of the bladder. Conned by a man and spending a lot of times in courts drown in legal problems and no money. 6 months in assisted living centers (4 different centers in 6 mths) trying to re socialize myself to be able to go out and survive on my own. Two rapes in 6 months. Well, do I even have to go on? Let’s just say things have just kept going down hill from there. Not to mention breaking a couple of bones, pneumonia, and my normal trigeminal neuralgias and migraines,….etc. Now I’m have my oldest son and his fiancĂ© and daughter and my caretaker/fiancĂ© and myself (and 3cats) in our 2 bedroom apartment temporarily. I’m already sick of me whining.

The point being I’ve been under a massive amount of stress the last few years. So back to the discussion of the alter activity becoming more of a problem under stress well you already know the punch line to this very not funny joke.

I admit that I’d gotten complacent about the MPD stuff and I shouldn’t have. I was pretty relaxed thinking I had things pretty much in hand as far as they were concerned. I could NOT have been more wrong. Lately my head has felt like a convention center and my body a revolving door. I’m almost afraid to walk out my front door anymore for fear that I have no idea who will be “out” while I’m gone. I’ve said this once and I’ll say it again I’ve been extremely lucky in the fact that my alters are on the whole very cooperative and won’t due anything that would physically or permanently hurt the body. I’m not saying that wouldn’t due something that won’t embarrass the crap out of us the next day if someone decides to tell us what we did or if I happen to remember it. That’s the other nasty bite….losing time. I’m losing a bunch of it but I’m very lucky to be surrounded by people who truly love me and don’t want to see any harm befall me. Needless to say it’s been a few months since I’ve been allowed out on my own.

I couldn’t begin to describe all the crap that is going on but it is being handled and in that I’m very lucky although it is easy to fall into a pity pot now and then. I decided to write this though because I don’t want you to think that with severely abused children like I was from age 1-12 (my stepfather died) that going to get help is a short term business. It takes time and a lot of it depending on how severe it was, what kind, and how old you were. I mainly got so screwed because it went through all my bonding, trust, and love years and it was so severe. But I am glad I sought treatment and I am glad I survived. I’m not going to tell you that it is easy to live this way but then again since it is the only way I’ve ever known I can’t say. I can say that I’m glad that I dissociated when I was so young because I know if I hadn’t I wouldn’t be alive today and so that in itself is something.

by Kay L. Schlagel