Sunday, September 11, 2005

Let's Play "Catch Up"

I've mentioned that I live a complicated life but I've just kind of left it at that and never really explained why it is so complicated. I have a very complex structure as far as my MPD goes. In that I've been extremely lucky because it has helped me get through school and college and achieve quite a bit. It always bothers me a bit whenever I go to a new therapist and when I tell them my history they always act astounded and usually say something along the lines of "how did you survive?". I've always give the pat answer "I was just always to stupid to know when to lay down and die.". I think all survivors have that light inside them that makes it impossible to give up and we continue to struggle with a well developed survival instinct. I'm very glad now, that I never gave up because there have been dozen of times during my life that I should have died and just refused to do it.
I've had several people comment that after they read my book they knew that was only the tip of the iceberg. They were right; but there were many things about my past that I didn't feel comfortable revealing because of where my siblings were as far as denial and it wasn't my place to "shock" them out of it. Besides that..I didn't know the rest of the story at that time anyway and I felt it was best to publish it the way it was. That, and the fact that focus of the book wasn't the story of my abuse but what it was like using hypnotherapy to oncover repressed childhood memories and how I was diagnosed with MPD initially. Needless to say my sisters are NOT happy about the book but I felt that I waited long enough to publish it and it isn't their story or about them in anyway. It was my story and I truely thought publishing might make a difference. I felt like if just one person read the book and realized that they too needed to get help and that help was available it would be worth it.
It isn't like my life now is any less complicated then it has ever been. I mentioned that I have 2 sons but if you noticed I left out any mention of a husband. I left my husband after 17 years of marriage after a sudden change in our relationship. We recently finalized our divorce after 21 years of marriage. Approximately after a year into the seperation my husband contracted terminal cancer. It has been very aggressive and has left all of us devastated. My youngest son has just started college can you say PROUD (I freely admit I'm bragging there). My oldest son who had ADD/ADHD that he's had since he was small has recently come to live here with JD and I. We were hoping that he just needed to be put back on his meds for his ADD but after a few tests we are looking for a neurologist to do some testing for brain damage, lesions, or poss temporal lobe seizures(yes, I'm worried but I'm sure he'll be fine). He also needs quite a bit of dental work that he couldn't get back home living close to his dad. I hadn't had alot of "alter activity" in quite awhile and had gotten a bit complacent so of course with the stress of the health situations, divorce, and my impending bankruptcy things have been a bit wild the last few weeks. In fact, just last night, we had quite a dramatic entry of a new "group of alters" that I had no idea could happen after this long. After the acute embarrassment of suddenly waking up in an ambulance in a Walmart parking lot and trying to explain to two stunned EMT's why the woman who was confused, barely concious, and couldn't catch her breath was suddenly alert, oriented and embarressed as hell wasn't having an acute allergic reaction but was actually an MPD who had an unexpected and unprecidented alter crises. I was pretty much forced into a long explaination (that I would have rather not made) and swearing that this had NEVER NEVER EVER happened to me before, to convince them I would be okay to go home with the people I was with who knew about my condition and could take care of me. I Promised to call my both my psychiatrist and therapist FIRST THING IN THE MORNING and they finally let me go with trying not to laugh while I was still in listening distance. I won't even try to explain the rest of the evening before we were all able to retire for the night. The last 2 year I've been living with JD who is an awesome man. I never thought that this late in my life I would ever have another relationship that was this intense and wonderful. My ex-husband and I however, have known each other for way to long to just walk away and not support him after he became ill and we still have the boys welfare to think about. I guess what I'm trying to say don't just go to therapy for however long, and suddenly your life is full of warm fuzzies. Life doesn't happen that least it didn't for me. I became diabled in 1990 due to disabling daily pain from the skull fractures and other injuries that I suffered as a child. I had to retire from nursing and I spent about 11 years basically in the house and in bed. I'm trying so very hard now to put my life back together and it isn't easy but that isn't the point of this discussion........the point is...that you can start your life over at any age and it can be good even with the complexities that exists in all of our lives. Life isn't always a bed of roses but when you finally learn to concentrate on the flowers instead of just the thorns you able to live a beautiful life even with all the complexities and hard times. I've always said that it isn't the destination that counts it's the journey.......learn to enjoy the journey. That is what makes the difference between a good life and a bad one. I've had alot of really crappy things happen in my life...but I've had so many beautiful things happen just the same. God has alway been there for me to rely on and he has brought so many wonderful people into my life and its been that way since I was a kid. Some people may look at my life as being terribly unlucky but for me I see my life as being incredibly lucky and I've been incredibly blessed so many times throughout it.
I've read over this "comment" several times and I wonder if I really want to publish it...I'm hoping this isnt some self serving drivel. I do need people need to know that life can be tough but it can also be wonderful it's all in the way you chose to play the hand that you are dealt.

Kay L. Schlagel