Saturday, September 10, 2005

A Day in a Life

I wanted to share a journal entry from one of my journals. It wasn't a particularly special day, in fact most of entries are similiar. I recorded thoughts, dreams, memories,poetry;it allowed my alters to communicate with each other (or me), and just generally recorded my progress. My journals are one of my most priceless personal possessions and I will treasure them always. I will probably have them permently destroyed upon my death because I have no wish for my children to know the exact extent of my abuse (they have enough problem knowing it was severe and what little of it they do know...I have no wish to burden them with any more grief with my passing learning about things no longer relevent). I believe that knowing your journals will never be read without your knowledge and consent gives you a freedom to express yourself without reservation.
Note: I left the notes in the original form instead of worrying about making them "read" correctly from a writer's viewpoint since it is was a personal entry and not an article.

I’m going to play a little today with some word/thought association. I’ve had a couple of weird days and am just trying to get them figured out I guess.
I’ve been having dreams of old friends from school and my younger childhood friends joining together with me having a reunion of sorts. There is some tension between the very old past and the past of my school years. The girls are now women but yet the issues seem to be old yet. There is something that feels vague and undefined and yet it hovers over the conversation like a specter.

I’m finding a desire in myself to connect all of my selves; the child, the adolescent, and the adult. They are one, yet they are separate somehow in my mind and memories. I’m not sure where to go with this. Should I just let go and let my dreams and subconscious wander and take control, hoping that maybe together they can work it out. I think that maybe that is exactly what they are trying to do. It’s just finally time that my soul and mind are coming together. I’ve run from the past for so long and now I’ve been forced by circumstances to come back and face my past head on. I’ve been very surprised that the very things I’ve run from and felt alienated by have been the exact things that I’ve hungered for and tried so hard to find. My place in the world. My sense of peace, of belonging, of being, of just existing. The feeling the I have that there is a place in this world I can rightly call mine and walk upright, unafraid, and with my head held high. The people here haven’t condemned me. I did that myself. They were just waiting until I was approachable again. I had isolated myself and avoided them and any situations where I might run into them. Now, that I’ve felt that I no longer felt threatened by what they might think, say, or do; I’ve gone into the situations to be pleasantly and greatly surprised to find their welcome not only warm but they were actually excited to see me. They are happy to see me well and saddened that I’ve had it so hard. They haven’t looked down on me but sympathized with me. I think I may have often confused genuine sympathy for pity and in refusing that sympathy they felt renounced and pushed away.

Why is it in my ignorance I felt perfectly comfortable in offering sympathy and comfort while expecting someone else to take it in the genuine friendship and kinship it was offered. No pity was involved and I never felt any feelings of superiority or looked at them in any negative way. In fact I normally felt more connected as a human being and felt even an admiration for all they had been through and survived so admirably. However, when that was turned around and someone offered me comfort or sympathy, I could easily become angry or laugh it off or even be rude throwing it back into their faces in my attempt not to appear weak and stupid. I need to think on this and try to stop myself from my knee jerk reaction of “don’t feel sorry for me” or “it’s ok”. I need to just be still and say thank you, accepting their words not as a pity offering but as a gift from a friend and fellow traveler on the road of life and not be so stingy with my gratitude. How can I accept God’s help and that of his angels if I continue to fight back and say “I can do it myself” when it has been so obvious that I can’t. Yes, you’re expected to struggle and to make your own way but not to hit out and not accept help that is offered. Sometimes instead of constant futile struggling maybe we need to be still for a moment and let the dust settle long enough to see if we are still on the path that we’ve been struggling so hard to walk on