Sunday, February 06, 2005
TALKING ABOUT MY THERAPIST
I was really ticked off at my therapist the other day for giving me the age old line of "you do realize that what you think of alters are really just a part of you?" If only I had a quarter for every time I heard that. Needless to say, I griped, moaned, and whined, until our next session to about anyone who would listen. Then when she came in to the room I was totally ready to give it to her..................until......I did realize to a big degree she is right but as a singleton she didn't realize how that would sound to me. Being a multiple can put you at as much disadvantage as you let it. What she was actually trying to tell me was I needed to look at my alter activity to see why it was becoming so rampant again after having been so cooperative and cohesive as we had been. I have had this therapist for only a year and yet in one year she has actually helped me more than 10 years with other therapists. I've been in therapy since my early 20's and now I'm 45 so I think I have a little room to talk about therapists cause I've had my share. One thing I think that happens with therapists is they get so interested in treating the multiple that they forget the person. It's almost as if they can actually encourage the person to have more acting out behavior. Even professionals have their shortcomings and by encouraging me to have alters out that talked to them, it was if they were actually awarding the behavior. I admit that you do need to deal with the alters on a direct level when you first start therapy but there will come a time when using the alters to cope and act out become detrimental if done frequently. They think it's so wonderful that you came out of your past even half way functional that wow...that's great. They listen to stories and they pat you on the back and tell you how well you've done. That's nice but I do have friends who can do that. What I need now is someone to give me the directions on how to break those old habits and start learning how to live life now. The most important thing this therapist has finally pounded into my thick head is this....everyday I make choices on how I'm going to deal with situations. I make a choice. For me that was almost an unbelievably hard concept to grasp. For most of my life I felt that I never had a choice and actually for a large part of it I didn't but as an adult the only time that I don't make the choice is when I allow someone or something to take that choice away from me. Learning to take back that right to choose for ourselves who and want will affect our lives is hard, but doable as my therapist has finally helped me figure out. My therapist doesn't care if there are times she tells me things that I don't like as long as they are true. I almost think of her more of a life coach and teacher than what I've always experienced as "therapy". It isn't that I can't talk about the past she just won't let me obsess on it. She is right no matter how unfair my past as been its just going to continue if I obsess about it. What I have to learn is how to live in the present and the sometimes very hard choices I have to make to become fully functional again. A strange concept in away to think of a time when I could be a fully functional adult with all the rewards and hard work that comes with that. OK. I'm off my soapbox for now but I just needed to say something about it.