Sunday, February 06, 2005


I feel that I have worked pretty hard in my healing and I am much better than I used to be BUT....... There are times when I wish I didn't have to keep secrets. Not just because of me (I've almost gotten to the point that I no longer care who knows that I'm a multiple and how I got that way). I even reached the point where I finally felt I could publish the book I wrote CINDY WHEN HELL FROZE OVER. I didn't even get to the really bad stuff and my family has been all over me since. I don't care.................I'm tired of living with the feeling of shame for something I'm not guilty of and I didn't do. It was done to ME not the other way around. Its just the fact that no one believes that such horrible things could be done to a child and since your family has denied everything than it must be ME that is lying or making things up. Why in the world would I ever make such horrible things up? I think that's the very thing that keeps us quiet because civilized people don't want to know how uncivilized a family can get. There are still things in my past that I have told very and I do mean very few people just because of their reaction to me. I also don't want to believe what horrors can be inflicted on young helpless children but just because I don't want to believe it doesn't mean it doesn't happen cause it happened to me. I just feel frustrated right now because I'm have alot of stress in my life that is causing more alter activity and I HATE that I feel that I need to hide during these times. It's when I'm this stressed out that I need the compassion and understanding of my friends instead of the look of shock on thier faces if something triggers an alter to appear. That situation happens rarely, but it did recently, and all my fears of "being found out" came rushing back in one big wave of shame. I really hated that.